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By Matthew Nolan We’ve all been there. You’re cruising along on your way home from a hard day’s work, and you hit a street that’s fairly narrow, with parked cars on both sides. Obviously too narrow for more than one car to pass through. So, being a good human, you let the other person in. They take the opportunity with both hands and drive past. And then nothing. THEY JUST DRIVE PAST. They do not wave, they do not acknowledge your willingness to put their priorities before your own, despite the fact you will never see them again and don’t...

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I hate corn. It’s everywhere. In everything. It doesn’t even taste good. If it doesn’t get stuck in your teeth, it makes it all the way through your system seemingly intact, undigested, nutritionally useless. A freeloading jerk. Human bodies lack the enzyme that breaks down cellulose, which corn hulls are made of. I’m sure you’ve seen little yellow kernels contentedly peeking out of your toilet bowl. It’s like they’re using us as transport, parasitic blonde passengers waiting for the next stop. Hey, corn, lend me your ears... Fuck off.

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I wish magic were a thing. I would be the Room of Requirement, only able to be seen by those who are worthy. If you can manifest me, here I am. If not, then you’ll have no idea of the possibility anyway. Continue with your banal existence until you die a boring death. I’d also be unplottable, untrackable, unfindable. Geotagging is not an option. No, I can’t send you a drop pin, bro, I’m the goddamn Room of Requirement. If you don’t know, you don’t know. Every interaction would be golden; I’d have only the best of conversations. There wouldn’t be...

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They call it ‘fast food’ for a reason. It’s supposed to be fast. So why am I waiting for my meal for extended periods of time? Now, there are factors at play here; don’t get me wrong. Extremely busy restaurants, difficult customers - these circumstances can’t be avoided. However, know your store. If it’s a Saturday night, after 10pm and you’re in a metro area, please staff the fucking store appropriately. I should not be waiting in a drive-thru for 10 minutes at a city McDonald’s for a Quarter Pounder meal. In fact, nor should my worst enemy. My enemies...

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By Matthew Nolan. Let’s be diplomatic for a moment. There are positives regarding the rise of the ‘selfie’. You can be the photographer and the content all in one. That’s it. There are no other positives because it’s just another example of some people these days being a self-obsessed, poorly communicating bunch of plebs. Now, I do generalise, but for the most part that the last statement is true. It is true because I have witnessed people of all ages shove smartphones in front of their faces, affix their devices to these ugly-ass selfie sticks and look genuinely stupid taking...

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